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short black hair
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jokes

Post by short black hair » Mon Jul 18, 2005 1:29 am

hey let's see who has the better jokes, ok let the battle of joke's begin.
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Post by short black hair » Mon Jul 18, 2005 1:32 am

i call this one: Dammit Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
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SupR
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Post by SupR » Mon Jul 18, 2005 2:47 am

That was great sbh :)

Here's my contribution(I didn't write it, but it made me laugh when I read it):

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff..."

----

Are we allowed to make multiple contributions in a row?

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Post by short black hair » Mon Jul 18, 2005 3:32 am

good one supR

i have another one, i call it: "jesus is watching."

Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you" - said the voice.

The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" he asked.

"Yes" said the parrot.

The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, "What's your name?"

"Clarence" answered the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burgler. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot's answer: "The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus."
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Post by SupR » Mon Jul 18, 2005 12:16 pm

I've seen that one before, but it made me laugh harder the 2nd time :lol:

An elderly English couple, the wife rather deaf, were visiting New York.
They hail a cab and start out on a lengthy journey. It being New York, it
isn't long before the driver starts talking.

Driver: You're limeys, aren't you?
Man: Aye, we are
Wife: What did he say?
M: He asked if we were English and I said we were
W: Ah

D: I was in England, during the war
M: Oh aye
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war
W: Ah

D: I was in Burnley, in Lancashire. You know it?
M: Yes, that's where we come from
W: What did he say?
M: He said he was in England during the war - near Burnley
W: Ah

D: Do you know a patch of woodland just south of Burnley?
M: Aye, I know it
W: What did he say?
M: He asked if we knew the woods south of Burnley and I said we did
W: Ah

D: You know, it was in those woods, during the war, I had the worst
fuck I've ever had in my entire life.
W: What did he say?
M: He says he knows you.

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Post by short black hair » Mon Jul 18, 2005 2:13 pm

that just make my day, you are really good at this supR. :lol:
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Post by short black hair » Mon Jul 18, 2005 2:25 pm

i call this: drunk men.

A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" "How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."
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Post by short black hair » Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:09 pm

i have another one, is call: martial art dog.

There was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three of their neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So the young wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog." The clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But, he does knows karate."

The wife didn't believe the clerk, so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair." The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces. Then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. The husband was of course disappointed and somewhat skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

When she told her husband that the dog knew karate, he said, "Karate my ass!" And to this very day, he is in the hospital.
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Post by short black hair » Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:13 pm

this one is pure fun, i call it: is the cat there?


A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
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Post by SupR » Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:43 pm

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"

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Post by SupR » Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:44 pm

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and
he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven
years ago, I would have a seat today."

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Post by short black hair » Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:53 pm

LMAO thosae are the good ones, you rock bro.
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Post by HydrogenElf » Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:56 pm

Knock Knock!









(Who's there?)













You have cancer.
Oh, those sloppy tarts have sulphurized hearts.

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Post by short black hair » Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:59 pm

HydrogenElf wrote:Knock Knock!









(Who's there?)













You have cancer.
wait didn't you say: "cancer is a cure"
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Post by SupR » Mon Jul 18, 2005 5:35 pm

27 Reasons Why Tacos Are Better Than Women
-- ------- --- ----- --- ------ ---- -----

Tacos won't shave with your razor.
Tacos won't ask, "Is there another taco?"
Tacos won't look through your checkbook.
Tacos don't have cats.
A taco won't mind if you share it with a friend.
A taco never says,
(A) "Is it hard yet?"
(B) "Is it in yet?"
(C) "Have you seen a doctor about that?"
A taco won't tell other tacos about your cucumber.
Tacos don't mind if you eat their friends.
Tacos are ready when you are.
Tacos never ask you to call them in the morning.
With a taco, you never have to say you're sorry.
You don't have to respect tacos in the morning.
You don't have to tell tacos you love them.
Tacos don't fall in love with you just because you have sex.
Tacos don't make you wear a condom.
Tacos are happy to sleep on the wet spot.
Tacos don't get upset if you eat other tacos.
You don't have to hold a taco while it's falling asleep.
Tacos never have headaches.
Tacos don't leave hair in your teeth.
Tacos don't care if you're married.
Tacos never even talk about marriage.
Tacos don't get pregnant.
Tacos don't insist on foreplay.
Tacos don't bite.
You can have your taco as hot as you want it.
Tacos taste good.

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