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short black hair
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Post by short black hair » Tue Jul 19, 2005 2:36 pm

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him? she asks.

"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"

"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us?. I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"

"Yes", comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing" the man replies.
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Post by short black hair » Tue Jul 19, 2005 10:29 pm

13) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." (Sharon Stone)

12) "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." (Barbara Bush, Former US First Lady)

11) "Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word , meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." (Robin Williams)

10) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." (Billy Crystal)

9) "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)

8) "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're eager to meet people who do." (Henry Kissinger)

7) "My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading." (Steve Jobs, Founder: Apple Computer)

6) "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee, the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." (Dan Rather, News anchorman)

5) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwartzenegger)

4) "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." (Tiger Woods)

3) "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." (Roseanne)

2) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. (Robert De Niro)

1) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. (Robin Williams)
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Post by Eager To Please » Wed Jul 20, 2005 9:24 am

that reminds me of another one

Why dont women have brains?

cause they dont have a penis to store them in
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Post by Eager To Please » Wed Jul 20, 2005 9:28 am

40 Things Never Said By Southerners


40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight
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Post by SupR » Wed Jul 20, 2005 2:52 pm

Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict
on his divorce case.
"Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she
is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent,"
proclaimed the judge.
"But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said
she was fucking Goofy!"

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Post by short black hair » Wed Jul 20, 2005 3:41 pm

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Post by short black hair » Wed Jul 20, 2005 3:55 pm

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
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Post by short black hair » Fri Jul 22, 2005 12:52 am

Your mothers so fat that when she wore an "X" jacket a helicopter tried to land on her back.
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Post by EverclearGTFABA » Fri Jul 22, 2005 11:30 am

why doesnt the monkey play cards in the jungle???


too many cheetahs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Post by Eager To Please » Fri Jul 22, 2005 2:34 pm

why arent there ny K-marts in Iraq?

cause theres a Target on every hill!
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Post by Eager To Please » Fri Jul 22, 2005 2:41 pm

Mom's Affair

There was this woman see, and she takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Without her knowing, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet, where the little boy is also hiding.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
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Post by short black hair » Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:22 pm

good one evercleargtfaba, and good one you too e2p.
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Post by short black hair » Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:23 pm

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"
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Post by short black hair » Fri Jul 22, 2005 3:54 pm

The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur doesn't have much choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."
The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it.
"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asks the Chief.
"No Sir!" replies the trooper, "This guy's more important."
"Is it the governor?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Is it the PRESIDENT?"
"No! Even more important!"
"Well, WHO THE HECK is it?" screams the Chief.
"I don't know, Sir," replies the trooper, "But he's got the Pope as his chauffeur!
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Post by SupR » Mon Jul 25, 2005 8:36 pm

110 Dumb Blonde Jokes!!

1. Why don't Blondes eat pickles?
Because they get their head stuck in the jar.

2. Why do Blondes wear underwear?
To keep their ankles warm.

3. Why don't Blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't fit 8 cups of water in that little package.

4. What do Blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

5. Why do Blondes like tilt-steering?
More head room.

6. How does a Blond turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door.

7. What do Blondes and turtles have in common?
Once they're on their backs, they're screwed.

8. What's the mating call of the Blonde?
I think I'm getting drunk!

9. What's the mating call of the Brunette?
Is that damned Blonde gone yet?

10. Why did the Blonde write TGIF on her shoes?
Toes Go In First.

11. Why do Blondes wash their hair in the kitchen sink?
That's where you wash vegetables, isn't it?

12. What's the advantage of being married to a Blonde?
You can park in the handicapped zone.

13. What does a Blonde do first thing in the morning?
She goes home.

14. Why does a Blonde put fur on the hem of her dress?
To keep her neck warm.

15. Why did the Blonde cross the road?
Never mind that - What's she doing out of the kitchen?

16. How do you make a Blonde laugh on Monday morning?
Tell her a joke on Friday.

17. What do you call a Brunette sitting between two Blondes?
An interpreter.

18. If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a building at the same
time, who lands first?
The Brunette: the Blonde had to stop and ask directions.

19. A dumb Blonde, a smart Blonde and Santa Claus are walking
down the street. They see a dollar bill. Who picks it up
first?
The dumb Blonde. The other 2 don't exist.

20. What do you call a blonde with a flat chest?
Lonely!

21. Two Blondes were out walking when they came upon some tracks.
The first Blonde said, "Those look like deer tracks". The
second Blonde said, "No, they look like moose tracks". They
were still standing there arguing when the train hit them.

22. Why don't Blondes wear hoop earrings?
They keep getting their high heels caught in them.

23. What do peroxide Blondes and 747's have in common?
Black boxes.

24. What do Blondes and beer bottles have in common.
They're both empty from the neck up.

25. What is the only job a Blonde can do in an M&M factory?
Proof reading.

26. Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
For eating all the W's.

27. How do you keep a Blonde secretary busy?
Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to put them in alphabetical
order.

28. Why don't Blondes get coffee breaks.
It takes too long to retrain them.

29. What do you do when a Blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.

30. How do you give a Blonde a brain transplant?
Blow in her ear.

31. How do you kill a Blonde?
Put spikes in her shoulder pads.

32. How do you make a Blondes eyes sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

33. What do you call a zit on a Blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.

34. How can you tell when a Blonde has used your word processor?
By all the white out on the screen.

35. What do you call a Blonde with a buck on her head?
All you can eat for under a dollar.

36. What did the Blonde call her pet zebra?
Spot.

37. How is a Blonde like spaghetti?
They both squirm when you eat them.

38. How is a Blonde different from a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

39. What's the difference between a Blonde and a Limousine?
Not everyone has been in a limo.

40. Why does a Blonde fan her face?
To recharge (her air supply)

41. What does a Blonde say when she finds she's pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

42. Why did the Blonde climb the chain link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

43. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
Last years hide and seek champ.

44. What do you call 6 dumb blondes standing closely side-by-side?
A wind tunnel.

45. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

46. Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out.

47. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
They chip their teeth.

48. What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted!

49. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
Artificial Intelligence.

50. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in a handicapped zone.

51. Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
(rock head side to side) I dunno!

52. How do you kll a blonde?
Put spikes in her shoulder pads.

53. Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
They can't fit two cups of water in the little boxes.

54. Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop.

55. Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."

56. What is the mating call of the brunette?
"All the blondes have left!"

57. What's the mating call of the redhead?
"Next!"

58. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
Her ankles.

59. What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
"Have another beer."

60. What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduces herself.

61. What's the second thing a blonde does in the morning?
Walks home.

62. What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
Opens the car door.

63. What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear?
"Thanks for the refill!"

64. Why do blondes have more fun?
They don't know any better.

65. What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once.

66. What do a blonde and a computer have in common?
You don't know how much either means to you until they go down
on you.

67. Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
They can't dial the 'eleven' in 911.

68. What did the blonde say when asked "ever been picked up by the
fuzz?"
"No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

69. Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
Who cares?

70. How do you drown a blonde?
Put a mirror on the bottom of the pool.

71. How does a blonde like her eggs?
Unfertilized.

72. Why did the blonde only change her baby's diapers monthly?
The box said "For 20 pounds."

73. What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
"I said....I'M DRUNK!"

74. How does a blonde part her hair?
By doing the splits.

75. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.

76. Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
Tits Go In Front.

77. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Two...one to make batter and one to peel the M&Ms.

78. How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

79. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

80. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
They know how many men went down on the Titanic.

81. How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off a cliff.

82. Why was the blonde proud to finish her jigsaw puzzle in 6
months?
The box said "2-4 years."

83. What do you say to a blonde with no arms or legs?
"Nice tits!"

84. How does a blonde high-5?
She smacks herself in the forehead.

85. Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
When they do the splits they stick to the floor.

86. Why do blondes wear their hair up?
To catch everything that goes over their heads.

87. How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
69 interrupted by a period.

88. How do you brainwash a blonde?
Giver her a douche and shake her upside-down.

89. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.

90. Why did the blonde go halfway to Norway then turn around & come
home?
It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV
set.

91. What do a screen door and a blonde have in common?
The more you bang them, the looser they get.

92. What does a blonde say after she's had sex?
"Gee...are all you guys on the same team?"

93. What's the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
The blonde!

94. How do you describe a blonde surrounded by drooling idiots?
Flattered.

95. What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
Bucket seats.

96. What do blondes do for foreplay?
Remove their underwear.

97. What important question does a blonde ask her mate before sex?
"By the hour, or flat rate?"

98. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes.

99. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
To cover up the valve stem.

100. Why did the blonde drown in the pool?
Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom.

101. How do you get a blonde pregnant?
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

102. What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
Bigfoot has been spotted.

103. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A Space Invader.

104. What is a blonde's favorite rock group?
Air Supply

105. Why does a blonde take the pill?
So she knows what day it is.

106. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
The back of her head.

107. Why did the blonde have a bruised navel?
Her boyfriend's blond too.

108. What do blondes and cow patties have in common?
The older they are, the easier they are to pick up.

109. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathanalyzer test!"

110. This well endowed blonde walks into the doctor's office for a
routine exam and the doctor tell's her to go into the exam room
and take off all of her clothes. She does, and he comes in
later, strips off his clothes, and runs towards her. She moves
and WHAM! he runs into the wall. She says, "DOCTOR BENNET!"
and he says, "Bend it, Hell! Broke it!"

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