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short black hair
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Post by short black hair » Tue Aug 16, 2005 7:50 pm

ok this my gf told me today.

what's the problem with a lawyer jokes
lawyers don't think they are funny
and everybody else dosen't think their jokes.
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short black hair
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Post by short black hair » Tue Aug 16, 2005 7:50 pm

what do you say to a lawyer gone bad?

senator. :lol:
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short black hair
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Post by short black hair » Tue Aug 16, 2005 7:52 pm

what do you say to a lawyer when he is about to get hit by a truck?


________. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Stick Man
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Post by Stick Man » Tue Aug 16, 2005 11:29 pm

Dot dot dot

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Eager To Please
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Post by Eager To Please » Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:43 am

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

“Not yet,â€
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Rock
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Post by Rock » Sat Aug 20, 2005 9:53 am

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her
five-year-old Son playing with his new electric train
in the living room.

She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you
bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause
this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are
getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're
going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't
use that kind of language in this house. Now I want
you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train,
but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom &
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
& the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please
remember to take all of your belongings with you. We
thank you for travelling with us today & hope your
trip was a pleasant one".

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand
luggage under your seat remember, there is no smoking
on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and
relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For
those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR
delay, please direct your complaints to
the fat bitch in the kitchen".
Spongebob is not a contraceptive -(Simpsons)

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twistinside1980
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Post by twistinside1980 » Sat Aug 20, 2005 2:05 pm

WOW I love that joke. it's been so long since I've heard it.
Breathin' fire doesn't look good on a resume.

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short black hair
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Post by short black hair » Sun Aug 21, 2005 12:41 am

WOW rock. that's a good one. :lol:
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cien_bolas
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Post by cien_bolas » Tue Aug 23, 2005 12:48 am

there was three men, a french, an hindu and a mexican, standing up in some place of America. They were in a competition to see which of the three ones had the best sight of them. The french started and said

- I see, i see... i see Eiffel Tower!!

the crowd clapped. then the hindu stood up in the same place where the french was and forced his sight.

- i see, i see... i see Taj Mahal!!

the crowd clapped even more. after that, the mexican stood up in the same place where the french and the hindu were, and he forced his sight too. he saw something, but he seemed surprised. he saw again, and he couldn't believe it.

- i see, i see... i see myself!

attE: bad_joke_bolas
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short black hair
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Post by short black hair » Tue Aug 23, 2005 1:34 am

worst joke ever. :P
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Post by Eager To Please » Tue Aug 23, 2005 1:37 am

i think i get it.....maybe
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Post by Eager To Please » Tue Aug 23, 2005 2:38 am

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
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short black hair
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Post by short black hair » Tue Aug 23, 2005 7:44 pm

The five toughest questions women ask - and their answers According to Sassy magazine, the five questions are:

"What are you thinking?"
"Do you love me?"
"Do I look fat?"
"Do you think she is prettier than me?"
"What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1. "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."

Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

Baseball
Football
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2. "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."

Wrong answers include:

I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
That depends on what you mean by "love".
Does it matter?
Who, me?
3. "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.

Wrong answers include:

I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
Compared to what?
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4.

"Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."

Wrong answers include:

Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5. "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife."No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes . . . I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too?"
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
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short black hair
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Post by short black hair » Tue Aug 23, 2005 7:47 pm

People say the funniest things when they're drunk

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!"

The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks.

The bartender says "That'll be $37.50."

The drunk says, "Kiss my big white ass, 'cuz I don't have any money!"

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too"

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks.

The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50."

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white ass!"

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?"

The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"
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Rock
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Post by Rock » Sun Aug 28, 2005 3:26 pm

"The Man With Two Babies"

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man, giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."

The lady asked again, "Which is a boy and which is a girl?"

The man, looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."

The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"

The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
Spongebob is not a contraceptive -(Simpsons)

Flowers the painted whores of the plant world - Homer Simpson

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