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Rock
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Post by Rock » Tue Aug 30, 2005 6:33 pm

One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a
doctor."

So, Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He
deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis
elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart.

That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he
mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and
hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results. He
deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the
results.
The computer lights up, and ten seconds later prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4 Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better.

THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING @ WAL-MART.
Spongebob is not a contraceptive -(Simpsons)

Flowers the painted whores of the plant world - Homer Simpson

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Eager To Please
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Post by Eager To Please » Tue Aug 30, 2005 8:41 pm

hahahaahhaha. thats awesome

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."
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Rock
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Post by Rock » Wed Aug 31, 2005 3:30 pm

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground
and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and
Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so
exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started
to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the
dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane .... and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do
when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
Spongebob is not a contraceptive -(Simpsons)

Flowers the painted whores of the plant world - Homer Simpson

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Eager To Please
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Post by Eager To Please » Wed Aug 31, 2005 3:54 pm

hahahahaha :D :D :D
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EVERGIRL94
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Location: Bradford, PA

Post by EVERGIRL94 » Wed Aug 31, 2005 7:41 pm

You guys are way to funny, you brighten my day with your sick senses of humor.
You make me hate what I see, when I see me.


If everything has been said and done, then why is nothing resolved or solved?

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twistinside1980
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Location: Knoxville, TN

Post by twistinside1980 » Wed Aug 31, 2005 10:41 pm

here's a joke....gas prices!!!!!
Breathin' fire doesn't look good on a resume.

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Post by Eager To Please » Wed Aug 31, 2005 11:05 pm

thats not a joke. thats a scary story

go here to see something mindblowing about gas prices

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/gasprices.html
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twistinside1980
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Post by twistinside1980 » Thu Sep 01, 2005 1:31 am

Holy crap that is crazy.
Breathin' fire doesn't look good on a resume.

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Post by Eager To Please » Thu Sep 01, 2005 8:42 pm

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
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Post by Eager To Please » Thu Sep 01, 2005 8:45 pm

A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?!"
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Rock
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Post by Rock » Fri Sep 02, 2005 3:31 am

The Horse Race


The Line up:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and
Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure

from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:
Its Big Dick giving everything he's got and
Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly slows,
Thighs weakens,
Heavy Bosom pulls up,
and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
Spongebob is not a contraceptive -(Simpsons)

Flowers the painted whores of the plant world - Homer Simpson

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Rock
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Location: Portland Metro

Post by Rock » Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:13 pm

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a

pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.

He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!

Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, ..

Peter, Peter, something or other..."
Spongebob is not a contraceptive -(Simpsons)

Flowers the painted whores of the plant world - Homer Simpson

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Eager To Please
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Post by Eager To Please » Mon Sep 12, 2005 3:22 pm

hahaha. that took me a few seconds.

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

____________________________________________________________

3 old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.
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Post by Eager To Please » Mon Sep 19, 2005 3:25 pm

This story is about a man named Bill. Bill was in his mid twenties at the time, living by himself in a decently large house somewhere in rural America. It was a fairly normal situation, for the most part. Except for one small catch: Bill was absolutely OBSESSED with the color pink. I mean, it was crazy. His house was pink, his car was pink, he had pink flowers growing amongst pink landscaping rocks in his front yard. Pink welcome mats on top of pink carpet in front of every pink door. Pink walls, pink ceilings, pink light bulbs, pink garbage disposal (I'm telling you, this man was devoted).

Anyway, one seemingly calm afternoon, our friend was lounging in his pink recliner, sipping a pink beer, watching his pink TV, when he heard a knock at the door. He set his pink beer down on one of many pink coasters littering the room, slipped on his pink sandals, and walked over to the very pink front door where he found an old lady and a small dog. Being the polite ambassador of colors he was destined to be, he asked "How can I help you, ma'am?" Turns out the poor old lady's car broke down just up the street, and she was wondering if she could make use of his telephone.

Of course Bill obliged, being the nice guy he was, and led her through the pink foyer and over the pink tiles to the delightfully pink telephone. She slowly dialed a number while cautiously eying the monotone monstrosity she’d found herself immersed in, and patiently waited through 13 rings before sighing slightly and hanging up the pink phone. (Convoluted run-on sentences are FUN, kids!)

Being the generous fellow he was, our pink friend opened up his home to his newest elderly acquaintance and her K-9 companion, offering her a place to stay as long as she needed. Nearly without hesitation, the woman accepted the invitation, and so Bill led her to a spare room she could stay in for the night. Up the pink stairs they went, along the pink corridor, past a pink painting hung by fluorescent pink string, until they arrived at a green door.

The man opened the door and flipped a switch, revealing green lights flooding the green bed atop the green-tinted hardwood floor, surrounded by flowery green wallpaper. The lady seemed taken aback, but decided she’d rather stay than possibly anger her obviously deranged host (dogs are colorblind, so Sparky really couldn’t have given a shit less). She smiled politely and thanked the man as she closed the door, and he returned to his downstairs recliner after grabbing a fresh beer.

Two hours or so passed fairly uneventfully. Our defender of the tasteless spent the time washing his pink dishes in the pink sink with his special-ordered pink scrubby, drying them with a ratty pink towel, and returning everything to the pink cabinets where they belonged. He heated up a Hot Pocket (don’t get any crazy ideas now, this was just a normal Hot Pocket… some things simply aren’t meant to be pink) in his pink microwave and ate it off a pink-woven paper towel, so as not to dirty any more dishes.

Just as he finished his bachelor meal, Bill heard another knock at the door. He dropped off his dinner remnants into the pink trash can on his way to the pink door, stumbling over a pink duffel bag left in the hall from his trip the week before. Opening the door, he was greeted by a tall fellow, also in his mid-twenties, with a large framed backpack clinging to his sagging shoulders. The backpacker explains how he’s been on the trail for three and a half weeks, but recently found himself disoriented and low on supplies. He needed a place to stay and a way to restock, so the pink fiend opened up his house for the second time in one afternoon, this time even offering to drive the man wherever he needed to get the next morning. They talked for a minute on the porch, determining the hiker’s name to be Jim. He had lost his job and needed a vacation; for Jim, the solemnity of the outdoors was the perfect place to relieve some stress.

Bill invited the outdoorsman indoors, and had him drop his pack on the pink shag carpet of the glaringly pink living room. Looking around, Jim seemed amused, but grateful to be in the company of air conditioning for the first time in weeks. Assuming correctly that Jim would like nothing more than a hot shower and a soft bed, Bill began the trek upstairs with Jim in close pursuit. The pink stairs and pink corridor and pink painting barely fazed Jim, nor did the seemingly out of place blue door they stopped at.

Bill didn’t even open this door. He mumbled something to Jim about being able to sleep there, and then walked over to the guest bathroom. He made available fresh (pink) soap and (pink) towels for Jim to shower with, and shuffled back down the (pink) stairs before Jim had a chance to open the blue door.

The rest of the evening was boring and uneventful. TV shows started and ended, beers were opened and consumed, and not a peep was heard from either of Bill’s guests upstairs. Exhaustion eventually got the best of Bill. He dozed off in his pink chair, curled up under a pink blanket, dreaming pink dreams.

…until he was jarred violently awake by rapid pounding on the front door. Groggy, Bill threw off the blanket and wiped his eyes, barely making out a “2:27 A.M.â€
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jilltnl
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Post by jilltnl » Tue Sep 20, 2005 11:23 am

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a
cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over,
and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
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