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Silver Ginger
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Post by Silver Ginger » Tue Sep 20, 2005 11:57 am

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, and waiting. Making love, they found themselves in the 69 position.
Moments later, her husband felt the sudden urge to ejaculate so he reached over, grabbed the starter pistol and fired it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not all that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
I f**king love this band.
And anyone that doesn't is, quite frankly, a c*nt. - Ginger / The Wildhearts

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Eager To Please
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Post by Eager To Please » Tue Sep 20, 2005 4:38 pm

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
H&H Fantasy Football : 0-2

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Silver Ginger
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Location: England

Post by Silver Ginger » Wed Sep 21, 2005 2:41 am

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a
young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large
insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the beneficiary), and
arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious, underworld
figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the
husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his
wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes,
and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local ASDA.
There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman
drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the
produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to
leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle
the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden
cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately
called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the
sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless
husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
*
*
*

* (It's a beauty)

*
*

*
* (It's a beauty honest)

*


ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT ASDA."
I f**king love this band.
And anyone that doesn't is, quite frankly, a c*nt. - Ginger / The Wildhearts

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twistinside1980
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Joined: Sat Aug 21, 2004 5:02 pm
Location: Knoxville, TN

Post by twistinside1980 » Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:53 am

*cue* slide whistle and cowbell
Breathin' fire doesn't look good on a resume.

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Rock
Posts: 1996
Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2003 5:32 pm
Location: Portland Metro

Post by Rock » Sun Sep 25, 2005 1:27 am

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Spongebob is not a contraceptive -(Simpsons)

Flowers the painted whores of the plant world - Homer Simpson

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Eager To Please
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Post by Eager To Please » Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:17 pm

Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall...

"Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say:

"Not bad..."

Then the voice says:

"So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say:

"Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."

Then I hear the person say all flustered:

"Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
H&H Fantasy Football : 0-2

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Rock
Posts: 1996
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Location: Portland Metro

Post by Rock » Fri Sep 30, 2005 3:21 pm

lmao thats great
Spongebob is not a contraceptive -(Simpsons)

Flowers the painted whores of the plant world - Homer Simpson

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the_laughing_world
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Post by the_laughing_world » Sat Oct 01, 2005 11:24 am

Rock wrote:THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
those are some of the most genius things ive ever read :wink:

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EverclearGTFABA
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Post by EverclearGTFABA » Wed Oct 05, 2005 7:31 pm

kid walks in on his mommy and daddy having sex in the kitchen. he says what are you doing? they tell him they are making a cake. the next week the kid asks at the breakfast table if they were making a cake again last night. they said that they did bake a cake last night and the kid says oh because i licked the frosting off the couch

DISGUSTING RIGHT?

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short black hair
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Post by short black hair » Wed Oct 05, 2005 10:14 pm

All Lawyers are Assholes


A guy in a bar stands up and says, "All lawyers are assholes."

Another guy stands up and says "Hey...I resent that..."

The first guy says, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy says, "No. I'm an asshole." :lol: :lol:
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